Surrender

I used to think surrendering meant giving up. It used to mean letting go in a negative way…you know, wave the white flag because you’ve lost the fight.

I’ve been challenged with the idea of surrender in my yoga practice. So much of yoga practice involves letting go, and because yoga began for me as a physical practice, I equated surrender to giving up on a pose or on a series or sequence of poses…so I would muscle my way through.

Well, the universe has its way of landing messages. I have been reluctant in stating online that I am in the midst of chemotherapy treatment for stage 2 breast cancer because I didn’t want to just say so for the sake of creating a story around it. My intention isn’t to inspire pity or fear because I know I heal from this dis-ease…it’s just a matter of time. I want to share this because the experience of cancer diagnosis and subsequent treatment has been my principal lesson in surrender. Nothing yells surrender like chemo.

And, strangely enough, in this strange Covid-19 era, I am so grateful for the opportunity to experience true surrender.

For the first time in a very, very long time, I am listening to what my body needs…not what my head thinks it needs. I am fluid. I am water. I am embracing this intense moment of complete transformation and embracing life gently. And, it’s beautiful.

How I Have Surrendered:

  • Sleep when my body says sleep; rest when my body says rest
  • Let go of how or why my husband does the things he does…truly appreciate him and his efforts in keeping me healthy and safe
  • The structure of homeschool is gone…oh boy I would have thrived on a color-coded schedule for my kids! But, right now, we focus on reading, writing and math in whatever order, at whatever time. We do their projects together and I am surrendering to the idea that they are learning far more valuable lessons by being gentle with themselves than trying desperately to meet some standard – this is a huge leap for calendar-keeping, list-checking me.
  • I have surrendered my will to that of the universe – this is on-going. I thrive on control. So, every day, I show up on my meditation cushion and allow. Sometimes, I need to surrender multiple times throughout the day
  • I have surrendered the physicality of my yoga practice for a practice that truly meets the needs of my body and soul
  • I have surrendered all agendas around my writing

What I Have Learned

  • My body always knows what it needs – listen
  • My husband loves me so much and he shines when I release control
  • Children are resilient and incredible forces of love and light – I just have to love them and they really know what is best – this includes setting loving boundaries for acceptable and unacceptable behaviour
  • My angels are watching out for me, supporting me, revealing messages to me all day long – it truly is amazing to experience the divine when we let it come into our life
  • Yoga is magic. The poses I need come to me when I need them. The days that I feel strong, my body holds me without pressure. The days I require ease, my body melts into the poses without fear.
  • I love to write and always will. I journal. I blog. I create stories. It is my connection to my creative self which truly allows for all of the above to flourish and I believe will support me in my journey back to health

I have a feeling I’m not the only one who struggles with surrender. I hope the small peek into my own challenges with surrender might inspire you to try it and help bring more ease, faith and purpose into your life.

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